How To Date A Weasley
by MissGemina
Summary: When Ron is dumped by Cho, he decides to get a new girlfriend with Harry and Hermione's help. However, Hermione might just be the tiniest bit jealous and Harry a bit unhelpful. Will Ron find love?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: ..................need...............coffee................**

**No, honestly. **

**And now...Ron. Oh, I love him. **

"Stop whining," snapped Hermione after half an hour of Ron's relentless moaning.

"...dumped me..."

"No one in the right mind wouldn't, especially when you're whining all day. She's Cho, for goodness' sake, she can go date anyone else, and she was kind enough to date you and now you're whining because she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with a baby!"

"I'm not a _baby_!" sobbed Ron.

"Then prove it by not whining any more and get your arse," said Hermione, "Off my couch. It's brand-new and I don't want your tears all over that leather. Oh, Ron."

Ron had started crying so hard his eyes were about to pop out.

"Ron," said Hermione, more gently, "You need to learn how to move on. You're not losing anything really-Cho wasn't that good, was she?"

"She was PERFECT!" wailed Ron.

"Oh." Hermione was shocked. "Well, in that case, maybe she was a bit too perfect...and maybe you needed a break...maybe after a while you'll be more experienced to deal with girls like Cho, and you might even find someone more perfect, really!"

"No one's better than her!"

"There are loads of people better than her!" argued Hermione. "For example, you, and Harry-"

"Hermione, are you expecting me to date Harry?"

"Err...no! But there are so many people better than Cho! How about me!"

Ron laughed, and Hermione was relieved, although it wasn't exactly the response she had in mind. Actually, she had expected a kiss or something more romantic and less skeptical, but at least she had cheered him up, right?

"YOU?"

Ron was laughing so hard he rolled off the sofa and didn't notice. "Honestly, Hermione, you're nothing like her! She's got these nice dark eyes like an angel and her hair all glossy and you just have to love the way she laughs, it's like a bell-"

"Well, I'm Hermione," retorted Hermione, hurt. "And I wouldn't want to be Cho!"

"Everyone'd want to be Cho," said Ron dreamily. "She's perfect, remember?"

"I wouldn't, for one!" shreiked Hermione. "I'm perfectly," she emphasised, in a far-too-high voice and tears nearly leaking out of her eyes, "Fine with being me!"

"No, you're not," pointed out Ron. "Look, your eyes are leaking. Her eyes don't leak..."

"Yes, they do." Harry had walked in. "I don't need to tell you. In fifth year, Valentine's day, we were in the cafe and she started going on about Cedric and ended up like a human waterpipe and Roger Davies and his girlfriend were all staring at us and everything. Ugh!"

"Yeah." Hermione rounded on Ron now, her eyes still moist.

"Speaking of wet eyes, Hermione, what happened?"

"Nothing, Harry-I just need to go to the bathroom, be back in a moment."

As Hermione ran sobbing to the bathroom, Ron sank back onto Hermione's sofa. "Harry," said Ron, "She DUMPED me!"

"Er..." said Harry, at a loss for words. "Well, it was expected, wasn't it-and you don't seem too sad-"

"Too sad?" asked Ron, his face brightening. "Now that I think of it, it was an honour! She actually spoke five sentences to me, all at one go! Let's see..."

"Ron, I don't think-"

"Oh, Ron! I don't think this is a good idea any more. You're good and all, and very funny, but we're not suited for each other. I think we should stop seeing each other, Ron. We need to split up and carry on," read Ron from a piece of parchment he had found. "I wrote it down soon as she was out of sight. I was crying like hell, so I didn't realise that she had done so much."

"Yeah, she's done a lot!" said Hermione, who had suddenly appeared. "BUT I'VE DONE NOTHING!"

She stormed back into her room. "Weird, isn't she?" asked Ron.

Harry shrugged.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Poor Mione. **

**Thanks for the reviews. Now for...**

**Chapter 2. **

"Meanwhile," said Harry, "I think you need a new girlfriend. Take your mind off things."

"Hey, that's a good idea!" said Ron cheerfully. "Why don't we go and ask Hermione-"

"Tsk, tsk." Harry was disapproving. "You can't just go up to someone. You have to win their heart. Like this." Grabbing a yellow carnation from a vase, he faced the lamp and said in a husky voice: "My dear, would you like to go out for dinner tonight?"

Ron was laughing so hard he nearly fell off the sofa again. "Let me practise."

"My dear, would you like to go out for dinner tonight?" said Ron, staring at the lamp.

"No, no!" said Harry. "My_ dear,"_ he corrected. "Do it more sexily."

After a few more tries, Ron finally got it right. "There!" said Harry, as though they had accomplished a great feat. "Now let's try it on a real girl."

Slowly but surely, they made their way towards Hermione's room. "Harry!" said Hermione, her eyes all red and her nose sniffly. "Help yourself to anything. I'm a little wound up right now."

"Er...Ron has something to say to you."

"Oh, really?" said Hermione, her face brightening, and Harry could see that she was awaiting an apology. "Go on, Ron."

"My _dear,_ would you like to go out for dinner tonight?"

In Harry's opinion he had done it quite well, but unfortunately they had chosen to wrong time and place to ask Hermione. Instead of a "How sweet!" or an "Of course!", all Ron got was a slap and a few loud shrieks.

"OUT!" yelled Hermione. "BOTH OF YOU!"

Harry and Ron didn't need her to ask twice. They ran out of Hermione's apartment and onto the street.

"Nice evening, isn't it?" asked Ron.

"Yeah!" said Harry, and on a sudden surge of inspiration, he added: "Let's go find someone to date you!"

"Yeah!" replied Ron. Spirits considerably higher, they set off towards a wizard bar called "The Vodka House". It was just down the street.

Inside the bar was a dark interior, heavy with the smell of alcohol and filled with partying youths. "Try to spot a pretty one," whispered Harry.

It wasn't difficult: just by the bar was a beautiful young witch and a few of her friends. Ron gulped. "Go on!" hissed Harry.

"Hello, beautiful," said Ron, leaning over and ordering two Firewhiskeys. The girl looked shocked.

"Excuse me."

A good-looking guy with dark hair and a muscular figure approached Ron. "I believe that was my girlfriend you were talking to?"

"Sorry," whimpered Ron sheepishly and hurried Back to meet Harry.

"OK," said Harry. "Next time, we'll observe them for a while first to see whether they're taken."

Ron sighed. "I doubt anyone would want to date a red-headed scrawny freckled wimp."

"There are loads of people with horrible boyfriends. And loads of singles too."

As they sipped their drinks, Ron leaned over. "Hey, what about that one over there?"

Sipping a cocktail was a good-looking blonde, just about their age. She looked simply beautiful. "I don't know," said Harry. "Someone like that's got to be taken."

However, Ron seemed to be convinced that he had met the woman of his dreams and decided to approach her. "Hey, beautiful," he said.

"Err...is this some joke?"

Harry choked on his Firewhiskey. The girl seemed to notice him. Ignoring Ron, she made her way towards Harry.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Ron and Harry in a bar!!!**

**Ok...now for the girl who is mysteriously attracted to Harry. **

"Are you Harry Potter?" she asked, leaning over to Harry.

"Um...no." Ron was shocked. Harry was doing this for him? She was so beautiful!

"Oh." The girl looked disappointed. She flounced off, her lustrous blonde hair swinging behind her. Ron quickly followed.

"So, are you going to date me?" asked Ron with seemingly natural indifference to the feelings of anyone outside of himself. "No!" said the girl. "I've got better people to date-"

"Like me," said a cold voice that everyone recognised. Harry stood up in anger.

"Oh yeah," said Ron. "Why do you have to come and muck up every single thing I'm trying to do? Stop butting into my life! You're intruding upon what's mine-"

"Unless I am very much mistaken, this is _my _girlfriend and not yours. So shouldn't it be I who is making that little speech of yours? I think you are butting into my life, not me butting into yours. I, Draco Malfoy, have much more dignified things to do then butt around others' lives like a common snoop."

"You know what I think, eh?" asked Ron, trying in vain to look menancing.

"Leave him alone!" roared Harry, coming to Ron's rescue just as Malfoy was about to hex him.

"Oh, Potter to the rescue again!" drawled Malfoy. "Always Potter the hero, the glorious hero, the Chosen One, the Special Potter, the Boy who Lived..."

"You have a problem there?" asked the bartender. He was a stumpy little dwarfish wizard, wearing an apron with beer stains. "I don't allow fights in my bar," he added and dwaddled off to serve a new customer. Malfoy glared at Harry, Harry glared at Malfoy, and Ron glared at Malfoy's girlfriend, and she glared back at all of them.

Instinctively, Harry grabbed his wand and pointed it at Malfoy. Malfoy retaliated by pointing his wand at Harry's face-which was easy, seeing as he was much taller. "No Mommy here to save you this time, Malfoy," sneered Harry. Instantly, Malfoy smirked.

"Like I need Mother to save me," said Malfoy. "STUPEFY!"

It missed.

Burning with anger, Ron raised his wand to cast a hex, but was interrupted by the towering figure of Lucius Malfoy.

"Now, now, Weasley," he said, so softly only they could hear him, "Let's not get violent."

"Draco!" he snapped. "What did I tell you about treating Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley in a CIVIL way? Is Stunning them considered CIVIL?!"

"Father, not here..." Draco Malfoy was embarrased. He was dragged by his father out of the pub.

His girlfriend snorted at Harry and Ron and strutted out of the pub after Malfoy.

Harry and Ron stared at each other and burst out laughing while running out of the pub.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Malfoy and Ron should really get together someday. They'd be so funny. **

**Keep the reviews coming!**

"OK, that was funny," said Harry. "It's barely seven. Where do you want to go off to next?"

"Oh, well," said Ron. "Are there any places where you only see single people and not people with super arrogant or muscular boyfriends?"

"You're that desperate?" asked Harry. "Well, if you don't mind, you could go to a blind date. You'll have to humiliate yourself pretty much to get on one of them, though."

"How?" asked Ron weakly.

"Well," said Harry. "You'll have to admit that you are single."

"No!" replied Ron. "What would they think? Harry Potter's best friend can't find a girlfriend and has to resort to such desperate measures?"

"If you insist..."

"Oh, God!" said Ron. "What if I meet Cho?"

"Slap her," suggested Harry. "Or you can ignore her, on a more _civil _term."

This set them all laughing again. "I sure hope Malfoy isn't the revenge type."

"Well, don't hope, because he is." Harry was certain.

"Damn him," muttered Ron. "Stole that girl from right under my nose."

Soon they reached "Wanda and Wilfred's Dating Help". Ron snorted and Harry opened the door.

Inside was a relaxing living-room setting, with chintz armchairs and coffee tables and nice lighting. The polished wooden floor shone brightly. A pretty young blonde witch sat patiently at the receptionist's table, smiling.

"Welcome," she said. "If you're interested in any kind of dating for stranded singles, this is the place." She held up a form.

Ron turned red. "Sorry," said Harry, "My friend is a little skittish. Would you like me to help him fill in that form?"

"It would be great!" said the witch.

The form went something like this:

**Name: _Ronald Bilius Weasley_**

**Interested in: _Pretty girls, not too sensitive, clever_**

"Hmm," said the witch thoughtfully. Then, suddenly, she smiled.

"How would you like to meet a certain Miss Lavender Brown?"

"What the hell?" asked Ron. "Never! Not HER!"

"I see you are aquaintances. She seems quite keen in meeting you. To be honest, she's pretty desperate." The witch lowered her voice to a whisper. "Just a year ago she was dumped by the guy of her dreams."

"Who?" asked Ron.

"I really shouldn't tell you, but his name was Davies."

"Oh, that scum. He's about just as nasty as Lavender."

However, as Ron was about to go on descibing Lavender's thousand and one faults, a strangled cry broke the silence.

Right there, standing in the doorway, stood a crying figure. She had long, flowing brown hair and her face was all screwed up in despair and frustration. It was the person that Ron wanted to see least and whom he had just been complaining about.

Lavender Brown.

"Speak of the devil!" exclaimed Ron, clearly oblivious to the fact that he had just hurt Lavender even more.

Lavender just sobbed harder. Giving Ron a look of pure hatred, she ran off towards a room.

"She's slightly touchy, no wonder Davies dumped her." remarked the receptionist, smiling. Harry was uncomfortably aware that Lavender was able to hear every word they were saying. He made a mental note that Ron and the young receptionist should get together sometime-they were both quite equally insensitive.

"So...who do I date?" asked Ron.

"Well, we don't have any young ladies that suit your description at the moment. So I suggest that you wait, and as soon as we find a possible match we'll contact you. Also, we suggest that you go off looking for a match yourself."

"How about you?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Oh, me?" asked the witch, laughing. "Nah, I'm taken."

"Who?" Ron asked, disappointed.

"You must have heard of Draco Malfoy?"

Ron looked as if he had just been hit across the face with a broomstick. "Thank you," he said stiffly, and stalked out of the place with Harry.

"THAT GIT!" he shouted. Heads turned to look at them. "Shh!" said Harry.

"He's been stealing every single girl I have been able to talk to except the one with the muscular boyfriend and Hermione who won't date me anyway and I am so damn pissed off and he is a multiple-timer and they still adore him how does that brat do it?"

In Harry's opinion this was a very long sentence and he was quite impressed by the quantity of air than Ron's lungs were able to hold.

"C'mon," said Harry, "It's nearly eight. Let's go to my apartment and get something to eat, shall we?"

"Mmn," agreed Ron, who seemed to be making up for his earlier long sentence by speaking in extremely short ones, and they Disapparated to Harry's apartment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: LOL! Rutwargles!**

**Sorry for the late update, I have been extremely busy.  
**

The next day, Harry and Ron decided that it would be very appropriate to apologise to Hermione, even though they didn't know what they had done wrong. Harry brought some of Hermione's favourite Honeydukes chocolate and Ron got a talking teddy bear that said "Join S.P.E.W! Liberate house-elves!" Both of them frowned in distaste every time it spoke.

As they apparated with a "CRACK!", Hermione was busy writing a letter. "Hello," she said brightly. Ron peered over her shoulder. "_Dear Viktor?"_

"Yes," said Hermione, ignoring his scandalised tone. "I notice you've brought presents."

"Uh...yeah!" said Harry. "We just wanted to say sorry for our behaviour last night and we brought you some chocolate and this bear."

The bear helpfully began chirping. "How sweet!" exclaimed Hermione. "Thanks, you're forgiven."

"So why're you writing a letter to Viktor Krum?"

"Why can't I write a letter to him? He's my friend, and that's why I'm writing! He's sent me photos, too, and he's living very happily in Bulgaria, and-"

Harry never got to hear what she was about to describe, because Ron interjected angrily. "Hermione, can't you see?" He pointed at hundreds of photos on a wall. "He fancies you! He likes you! He loves you! But he's just an obsessive pervert!"

Ron had gone way too far. "HE'S NOT!" screamed Hermione. In one fluid motion, she stood up, twirled around with utmost hatred in her eyes, and slapped Ron "SMACK!" across the face.

"OW!" he yelled. Harry could see his nose was bleeding. "What was that for!"

Hermione retorted, sobbing: "You're just too bloody indifferent to understand! You don't understand anything and you pretend you do and this is what happens!"

Harry agreed with Hermione, but didn't say anything.

Hermione ran off sobbing. "DON'T COME BACK!" she screamed. "YOU COME JUST TO MAKE ME C-CRY!"

Ron blinked. "Help my nose," he whimpered.

"Episkey," muttered Harry. Ron clutched at his nose and the blood stopped flowing. "Tergeo," added Harry, cleaning off all the blood.

"So this is what it feels like!" roared Ron. "EMPTINESS!"

"Merlin!" gasped Harry. The little Viktor Krums in the photos were all shouting at him and making rude gestures. Ron made one back and they all fought to get out of the photos, looking very, very furious.

"We'd better scram," murmured Ron, and just as a little Viktor from inside the photo almost got out they made it out of the door.

"This is disastrous!" exclaimed Ron. "Disastrous is an understatement," remarked Harry.

"Did you say disaster?" Luna Lovegood had nearly crashed into them.

"Luna!" Harry said. "Pleased to see you!"

Ignoring Harry, as though Ron was in extreme danger, Luna continued: "Of course there was a disaster! Why, Rutwargles have infested the city! It's panic!"

"Rutwargles?" asked Ron.

"Oh, yes, Rutwargles, they're extremely dangerous creatures. They creep into your radishes and destroy their fundamentals."

"Fundamentals? What are fundamentals?"

"I'd be surprised if you knew, the general population is extremely ignorant to the whims of the fragile fundamentals," said Luna dreamily. "Everything has a fundamental which is gifted to them by the Nargles-"

"Aren't they the creatures that infest mistletoe and steal your stuff?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Luna, quite surprised. "Why, you have been reading the Quibbler, haven't you? Unfortunately, the new issue is not out yet. Father has discovered that Nargles have certain positive qualities as well. For exmaple, they give everyone a fundamental which is different to each and every one of us. If our fundamentals are destroyed by those horrible Rutwargles, we will die a sudden an early death!"

The expression on Luna's face was so reminescent of Professor Trelawney that Harry had to laugh. However, he was forced to turn it into a hacking cough. Ron looked dazed.

Suddenly, his eyes glimmered. "Dinner tonight? With me?" Ron suddenly asked.

Luna looked very taken aback, but then she smiled.

"Of course!" she replied. "Talking to you is like having friends! We'll see you at my place. I'll cook."

Ron was looking more and more hesitant at the prospect of having to try Luna's cooking, but he agreed, and Harry and Ron were walking down the street once more, both of them extremely stunned.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Rutwargles!!!**

**Dinner with Luna! OMG! RON! You idiot! Why did you agree...?**

**Never mind. It gievs us more to write about. Please continue reviewing, people!**

"Good luck, man!" hissed Harry. Ron nodded and Harry walked in the opposite direction with a wink, leaving Ron in a deserted suburb in front of a teetering cottage that Luna seemed to have built herself. There were posters of strange creatures all over the fence, and as Ron drew closer it was apparent that radishes were hanging from her front door. Ron pushed open the creaky fence and took a deep breath.

The garden was filled with peculiar plants and there was what looked like a cross between a chicken and a horse neighing from a small paddock at one side. Trees enveloped the little flower garden which Luna had grown and meticulously labelled, while small animals seemed to scamper carelessly all over Luna's roots and herbs and strange vegetables.

Ron pushed open the door without ringing the bell or knocking because he didn't think she would mind anyway. He stepped in and called tentatively, "Luna?"

After about a moment's awkward silence, Luna stumbled over to the door. "Oh, sorry, Wrackspurt got me." She made flapping motions around her face. "Come in, then, dinner's nearly ready. You like my place, don't you? I made it all myself."

"Um...yeah, it's cool," mumbled Ron, feeling he wasn't lying.

"Sorry," said Luna, as Ron nearly stepped on a Bowtruckle. "Those Bowtruckles are supposed to keep away Rutwargles. I'm just making some pizza. Want some?"

Ron heaved a sigh of relief. "A pizza?"

"Yeah, a pizza."

For the next fifteen minutes he contented himself to wander around aimlessly. There were Crumple-Horned Snorkacks in the backyard, and they gave him a nasty burn on the leg, which Luna immediately put right with a bit of Gurdyroot juice. It stank, and whenever Ron put his Gurdyrooted leg near the Honking Daffodils, they honked loudly in an irritating way.

Luna also had a Mimbulus Mimbletonia, which was spurting Stinksap all over her Fanged Geraniums, and Bubotubers were found in a fenced-up corner which, judging by their condition, Luna did not like to visit. Chinese Chomping Cabbages could be found chomping up some mouldy eggplant mush. Ron frowned at some Plimpsies in Luna's pond and trudged his way through some swampy mud, glad that he was wearing his least favourite pair of jeans.

After a while Luna came swaggering clumsily out of the house and forced him inside into have some dinner. She brought out a decent-looking pizza and watched wistfully, her own slice untouched, as Ron plowed his way through the pizza.

"I wish you'd be less Mundane," she remarked.

"'Dane? 'Elicious!" cried Ron, mouth stuffed to exploding point.

Luna sighed. "Ron, Rutwargles-"

But Ron didn't seem very interested in Rutwargles-at least more than his chocolate pudding. He wolfed it down faster than his pizza and started gulping root beer. Luna stared at him with her eyes wide, half in disgust and shock.

After he had finished, he decided to wipe his mouth with the tablecloth.

"What're you staring at me for?" asked Ron.

"Have you heard of manners?" Luna asked. She was quite losing her airy feel and getting quite offended.

"Er...yeah."

"GET OUT!" screamed Luna, throwing a Gurdyroot at him. She ran off sobbing.

Ron shrugged.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Morning after with Harry Potter~!**

**Sorry for the very late updats, this is how you'll be getting your chapters because I AM SUPER busy. Thanks for the patience and reviews are really treasured. **

**I hope you like this!**

**3 **

"It really did go very horribly, Ron," remarked Harry after Ron had gingerly recounted the day's events to him.

"I can't even get Loony Lovegood," moaned Ron.

"Don't call her that," said Ginny sharply, appearing(literally) out of nowhere. 'She's not Loony, Ron, and based on what I've heard under the Invisibility Cloak," she held it out, "You've been extremely insensitive to her and from the female point of view I can see very logically why she wouldn't want to date you."

"Shuddap," muttered Ron unhappily. "What's it to you if I'm not that sensitive?"

"You're not going to net any girls, that's why. Ron, you need to learn how to understand the fragile emotions of the human mind," suggested Harry.

"Argh," growled Ron. "I need help."

"You do," agreed Ginny and Harry.

"Look," suggested Ginny. She pulled out a brochure from her pocket. "I got this a few days ago, Ron, and I think it might help you, although I can never be sure."

"Go on," nodded Ron.

"_Pamela Poodingfoot's Etiquette Academie," _read Ginny, **"**_Offers you the best ever in Etiquette Courses that you'll get from London to Sydney. The courses were designed by reknowed Muggle Liasons expert Pamela Poodingfoot, and she had decided to let her superb etiquette skills be passed on to a future generation of wizards. These courses are foolproof and multi-use. For Muggle Liasons, Etiquette, or just plain Dating, Pamela Poodingfoot's Etiquette Academie is for you!"_

"Cool," replied Harry. "Ron, what do you think?"

"How much?" Ron asked.

"Er..." Ginny hesitated. "I'm sure we can pay this, Ron, you work at Fred's, they pay you a lot..."

Harry peered over her shoulder and swallowed. "You can buy a Firebolt with that!"

"Not exactly," said Ginny.

"Come on," whispered Harry, so softly only Ginny could hear him. "5000 Galleons per lesson and a 1500 Galleon start-up guarantee fee?"

"So?" Ron asked expectantly.

Harry told him and there was a very pregnant silence. Ginny nodded and

"I've been thinking,"said Ron, as if nothing had been said beforehand, "That we resort to less common methods."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"I got a Divination kit," said Ron halfheartedly.

Harry groaned. "Ron, you're not going to see anything but a load of fog and mist. Come on!"

"I was afraid you'd take it like this," Ron shrugged. "But sometimes you need to do things less Mundanely."

"Did Trelawney's perfume cause previously undetected brain damage, Ron?" Harry sniggered, but realising the look on Ron's face, quickly added: "So what with it?"

"Meet me at my place tomorrow," said Ron hastily, glancing at his watch. "Need to scram!"

With that he was out of the house in a cloud of dust.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Back to the old Pure-blood trick...divination. **

**Very very sorry for the one-week(or more, it felt like so long !!!) break but I really cannot find the time. I will be updating furiously from now on, ok? **

**Thanks for the reviews. They were really what made me pool my time and write like crazy. Keep them coming? :)**

**Enjoy. **

**3**

"Ron?" asked Harry, peering tentatively from the doorway. "Ron!"

At that, Ron scrambled up from somewhere and rushed to meet Harry. "Oh, there you are!" he said. "I was about to start without you. C'mon, maybe you can help me. Hermione'd normally be more helpful but she's rubbish at Divination, so you've got to lend me a hand."

"OK," agreed Harry. "So what first? Palmistry, teacups or crystal ball?"

"Dreams," murmured Ron dreamily.

"Ah," said Harry. "I thought so. So what did you dream about?"

"Well, I dreamt about Hermione."

"Hermione," Harry pondered, flipping through the Dream Oracle. "Would that come under 'Friend' or 'Enemy'?"

"'Friend'," replied Ron.

"Ok," Harry said. "What did you dream about her?"

"She was speaking French like Fleur."

"Eww," said Harry, reading the column under 'French'. "Apparently she's...um...expressing that you're not sexy enough. And that...er...she's telling you that your courage is depleting."

"That's weird. Why don't we test it on you?"

"Me?" Harry blurted.

"Yeah!" replied Ron enthusiastically. Harry thought the fortune-telling was all a little too cheesy for his liking, but he agreed reluctantly so as not to hurt Ron's feelings.

"OK," said Harry, passing the Oracle to Ron. "I dreamt about a cloud."

"Well, that's not good," said Ron. "It signifies either great compassion or everlasting confusion. Personally I'd vote for the confusion."

"Yeah," replied Harry. "It was on top of an acorn tree."

"Ooh," said Ron, in a tone not unlike Lavender, "That means you will reap the benefits of your hard work and be very confused."

"There's more!" added Harry, "I was dead. Floating halfway between the cloud and the acorn tree."

"Weird!" ejaculated Ron. "You'll lose money, get benefits, and be confused at the same time."

"Well, I'm certainly confused now!" replied Harry, and they all started laughing their heads off.

To Harry's immense chagrin, Ron wasn't finished yet. "Never mind about these," said Ron, stowing the Oracle into a large box labelled "Divination For The Divined" in large silver letters that shone brightly. He pulled out a large crystal ball and an even larger book titled "Peering into the Crystal Ball: Interpreting Help!".

"OK," said Ron, "Same as before. I'll tell you what I see and you try and interpret what I just saw."

"Fine," said Harry, taking the heavy book.

"Hmm," said Ron, looking into the crystal ball. Harry watched him intently as Ron peered into the ball, tilting his head around and around.

"I SEE IT!!!" yelled Ron suddenly, waking Harry from his reverie. Harry listened, rapt, book open, fingers poised to flip, as Ron described the shape.

"...large, and there were horns, and it was red, and it looked like...."

"A bull," Harry finished. "Page 1897 to 2344-Horned Large Mammals With Cowlike Appearances."

"So?" Ron asked, nervous.

"Not good," Harry replied, turning to the chapter called 'Bull'. "Was it a Chinese Invisible Bull, an Irish Limerick Bull, a Bowtruckle Bull, Cabbage Carrot Bull, Common Green Bull, Liquid Red Bull, or a Gillywater Bull?"

"Dunno," muttered Ron. "Go for the Common Green, then."

"Common Green Bull," Harry read. "_To see a Common Green Bull in the foggy depths of your crystal ball is a startling warning. A Common Green Bull is a terrible thing-rampaging, Mundane, troubled in the simplest sense. You may be experiencing great loss and will be experiencing a large decrease in money, luck, and health. Be prepared for the disastrous effects of the Common Green Bull in your love life and financial life."_

"Damn," muttered Ron.

"Damn is too mild, don't you think?"

"There's kids in here...Victoire's playing at the back."

Harry glanced at his watch. "I have to go!"

"Where?"

"Lunch with Ginny," cried Harry from the front door and Ron was left sitting miserably in a pile of Divination tools and a lot of bad luck.


End file.
